Your life: It kind of sucks, right?
I mean, sure, there are good parts — but when it’s time to put your experience, skills, and personality on a resume, you suddenly realize that the only thing that makes you a better job applicant than a potato is that you have a Twitter account. And then you realize that there’s a potato on Twitter too, and it has more followers than you ever will.
If you need help spinning your poop-can life into something that actually appeals to employers, take a look at the suggestions below, categorized by the different crappy sections of your depressing existence.
Crappy Computer Skills
“By losing all of my data, my computer taught me to live in the now.” (via Thinkstock)
I can’t stop trolling Reddit.
Resume version: Online community engagement specialist.
I saw a spreadsheet once. It was of my budget, and it made me cry. A lot.
Resume version: Excel expert.
I don’t know how to use a Mac because I have never been able to afford a Mac.
Resume version: PC specialist.
I can’t stop leaving angry comments on teenagers’ game play-through videos on YouTube because deep down I’m afraid that I’ll never be as good at anything as they are at League of Legends.
Resume version: Have my finger on the pulse of youth culture.
Crappy Job Experience
“I learned a lot about myself at that job, like how willing I am to cry publicly.”
Tax company sign spinner/lady liberty.
Resume version: Patriotic marketing expert.
Gas station attendant.
Resume version: Fossil fuel dispensing expert.
TGI Friday’s waitstaff, but I was fired because I accidentally called the Tuscan Spinach Dip “Tuscan Vagina Dip” in front of a family of four and then tried to cover it by saying “It’s OK because Tuscans have the best vaginas.”
Resume version: On-my-feet problem solving expert (with restaurant skills).
Crappy Love Life
“My love life has given me insights about other people; primarily, how much they don’t like me.” (via Thinkstock)
Nobody wants to go on more than one date with me.
Resume version: I provide a memorable first impression.
I’m pretty sure that if I make more money, my ex, Jaime, will take me back for real this time. And she must take me back, so I must make more money.
Resume version: I will do whatever it takes to succeed.
I’ve started having a reoccurring dream where I’m on Tinder, and the only profile it shows me is my own, and I can’t stop swiping left. Then I wake up in a cold sweat knowing, deep in my marrow, that nobody loves me — not even me.
Resume version: Not afraid to admit my shortcomings.
Crappy Home and Vehicle
“My car offered me an opportunity to stop and think for a bit.” (via Thinkstock)
My apartment’s shower broke, so I gave myself a sponge-bath over the sink.
Resume version: Creative problem solver.
I have to get someone to give my 1998 Corolla a jump every time I want to drive anywhere.
Resume version: Great at building a team of people to help me achieve my goals.
I think my next-apartment-over neighbor might have died because it always smells really bad, but my building manager won’t check it out, so when I’m home, I just have to sit with the death stench.
Resume version: I don’t mind putting in long hours at the office.
Overall Crappy Life
“If you hire me, my utter despair will make other employees feel better about themselves.” (via Thinkstock)
I tried to use the Couch to 5K app, but never got past the “couch” part.
Resume version: Not afraid to give up on things when they aren’t working right.
Someone stole my identity and used my credit card to buy 1,000 “premium dongs,” and it took 18 hours of customer service calls get them to remove the charge and stop referring to me as “The Dong King.”
Resume version: Strong phone experience.
I once fell asleep with a bag of potato chips on my chest and woke up to find a mouse inside. Almost all the chips were gone, so I think he had been there for awhile. My only thought was: “There is no one to blame here but me.”
Resume version: I’ve learned to expect the unexpected, and I’m not afraid to admit when I’m at fault.
Most days, I can barely muster the will to crawl out of my bed, let alone dress myself and participate in the shit-go-round that we insist on calling “life.”
Resume version: Just please fucking hire me.