1. Picking out new glasses is stressful. Choosing The Perfect Pair is so important because the frames you pick will absolutely define you as a person until you get your next pair of glasses. So choose wisely and be true to yourself, or else you will end up with ~trendy~ oversize blocky gold frames that are too embarrassing to even think back on.
2. You have to clean your lenses all the time. Your icky face oil smears all over the very thing that helps you see, which sort of defeats the purpose of having them.
3. Wearing non-cotton clothing becomes an issue. Your outfit was your lens cleaner and now you have no way of cleaning your glasses. Hey, that guy over there is wearing a cotton shirt! Can I ask him to clean my glasses?
4. Every night before bed and whenever you shower, you’re basically at the mercy of the world. Did I just use conditioner instead of shampoo again?
5. People assume you’re smart. My level of intelligence is totally independent of the fact that I wear glasses, and no, I can’t figure out how much we each owe for this dinner, so someone pull up their calculator app.
6. Doing any kind of sports is so much more difficult. Oh, you like to run? Good luck with those glasses sliding down your face. Oh, you like to swim? Good luck seeing with those non-prescription goggles. Oh, you like to fence? Good luck getting your mask over your glasses.
7. When people ask to try on your glasses and you reluctantly give them your glasses and pretend to approve but you actually can’t see shit so what’s the point of this whole exercise? Who are we reallytrying to please? Are we all just dancing monkeys in this big universe?
8. Or when people try on your glasses and say, “Oh my god! I’m going to go blind!!!” I’m pretty sure bad vision isn’t contagious.
9. Or when people try on your glasses and say, “Oh my god! You’re blind!!!!” Can I just have my glasses back? Great, thanks.
10. Permanent nose pad indentations, if you have nose pads.
11. Your glasses constantly slide down your nose, if you don’t have nose pads.
12. You have to be extra vigilant when the weather changes. If it’s raining, you have to protect your glasses or else you have to deal with cleaning them yet again. And if you enter a warm bar on a cold winter’s night? Prepare to wait 10 minutes until your glasses become defogged.
13. You are intimately familiar with this backhanded compliment: “You’re so pretty without your glasses!”
14. You don’t feel like you’re reaching your sexy potential when you’re wearing your glasses. I know I’m still hot but society has made me feel otherwise.
15. You’re always debating whether or not you should get Lasik surgery. Is it worth the cost? Do you even have the money? What if they destroy your eyes in the process? But it would be so nice to wake up one day and just be able to see everything without the help of prescription lenses. Someday…
16. Sunglasses. Option 1: Forgo sunglasses so you can see, but expect to squint in the face of the sun’s mighty rays. Option 2: Wear sunglasses, but avoid doing any activity that requires vision. Option 3: Shell out hundreds of bucks for prescription sunnies that you’ll wear maybe three months of the year.
17. Kissing. If I leave my glasses on, they might smudge the lenses with their oily face and it’ll be impossible to remove. But is it too late to take off my glasses? Or too early? How do I make it seem like a ~smooth move~?
18. When you put your glasses down and can’t find them because you can’t see because you don’t have your glasses and WHERE ARE THEY, DAMMIT.
19. If you wear contacts instead of glasses, no one recognizes you. Am I even here or am I just invisible?