We’re all guilty of ignoring the warning signs at some point.
I used to cruise around town with the dashboard in my car lit up like a Christmas tree. The car would be loudly knocking and clunking, and I’d just turn up the radio. My friends would say, “You should really get that checked out.” I would shrug, “Nah, I’m sure it’s fine.” A few weeks later, I’d be shocked when I was stranded on the side of the road. Wow, that came out of nowhere!
In relationships, I was the same way. Guys would say things on a first date like, “I can’t be monogamous.” “Everyone says I have a drinking problem.” “My favorite band is Creed.” “Have you read Dianetics?” “I live with my parents.” “Be right back, going to go put powder on my balls, they’re really sweaty.” “All my exes are psycho.” “What’s your bra size?” Or say nothing, and just stare at me like I stare at dollar pizza slices at 3 am.
Each time a red flag would pop up, I’d just crank that music a little louder. Nah, I’m sure it’s fine. Except of course, it never was fine.
Check out these comedians* biggest red flag blunders.
I dated a guy who said he’d recently broken off his engagement. (That’s a red flag, but hey, I was living in the moment.) Later, I found out his engagement wasn’t called off when he went to Arizona for a wedding… HIS OWN!!!
I was on a date with a girl and when she walked in she said, “It’s hot as balls in here.” That was a huge red flag because you have to be around a lot of balls before it’s a standard measurement of temperature.
I dated a guy who just moved back to NYC after a few years in London. He told me his CRAZY ex boondoggled her way to London with him, tagged along, and he hated it. I remember hearing that story and being like, “SHE is crazy? Sounds like YOU were too much of a wuss to communicate.”
I wish I had taken that as a red flag and walked away, but of course I didn’t. One day, after 4 months of dating, he simply never showed up for plans and I never heard from him again.
I went out with a girl from a dating site and on our first date, she pointed out every handsome guy she saw. Her profile said, “books and basketball,” but when I asked her about either, she said she doesn’t like them, she was just trying to attract the most guys. Those were red flags, for sure, but she was really pretty, so I kept dating her.
I went on a date with a guy who kept bringing up that he was unemployed. Then he asked me how much cash I kept in my apartment.
I was like, “Ummm none.”
Then I told him I had a big dog, even though I don’t.
Never trust a woman in a fedora. Every girl I’ve ever been on a date with who was wearing a fedora has screwed me over. Not sure if this is a well known thing, but it’s 96.7 percent accurate. Fedora= huge red flag.
When I first started seeing this guy he told me he’d beat me with my own mic stand if I ever cheated on him. I don’t know how the hell I ignored that red flag. That relationship was a lot of me waking up to phone calls in the middle of the night with him yelling “where are you!” Long story short- dating a guy like that is great if you want to feel like you’re in a Liam Neeson movie.
My biggest red flags:
1. Wolf lamps
2. Wolf blankets
3. Literally any wolf memorabilia
I was on first date with a girl, who talked the entire time. In two hours together, she never asked me a single question or even let me finish a sentence. I put her in a cab and couldn’t wait to go home. Huge red flag, but we went out a second time and ended up dating long term. It was the worst relationship I’ve ever been in.
Once when I asked a guy what he did for a living he said, “I’m an agent, like in Entourage”
The moral of this story is stop ignoring red flags. That weird feeling you get when your date says something off? Pay attention to it! You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble down the road. It’s much easier to get an oil change when that little light comes on, than to blow out the entire engine because you didn’t (happened to me, oopsie!)
If you see something, say something: “Bye.”
*I also asked 10 regular people what their biggest red flag w, and they all said, “Comedian.”
(Images via Thinkstock/Amazon)