1. The friend who flakes so much you don’t even know how she shows up to her own life.Every time you schedule brunch with her, your odds of her following through are worse than they were when you gambled at your sister’s Vegas bachelorette party. You’re more likely to marry Brad Pitt than she is to show up to your after-work drinks date. She sometimes tricks you into thinking you’re crazy for getting upset by her “quirky” behavior. Well, being the world’s biggest flake doesn’t mean she’s “quirky,” it means she has no respect for you, your time, or your friendship, and she doesn’t care about anyone but herself.
2. The friend who only ever wants to talk about herself. You tell her you’re going to Mexico for vacation, then all of a sudden you have to listen to her talk about how she went to Mexico with her Aunt Becky and blah, blah, blah, me, me, ME. This girl may not even be as self-absorbed as she seems. Her real problem is that she has a listening deficiency and only pays attention to parts of conversations that she can make about herself instead of paying attention to what you have to say. Real friends are capable of listening to you.
3. The friend who tries to pressure you into binge drinking or doing drugs. If you said no, you said no, and that should be the end of the discussion. Some people can’t go through life without drinking and drugging so they don’t have to experience what’s really going on around them. So if you can be sober and drug-free and enjoy your life just like that, why waste time with people who clearly can’t and want to drag you down the misery well with them?
4. The friend who is way past college and can’t stop binge drinking or doing drugs. Sure, people experiment. But if you’re pushing 30 (or worse, 40) and can’t get through a Saturday night without blowing lines in a bathroom stall, it’s time to reevaluate. And if those people are your friends, it’s time to reevaluate why you hang out with them. Because you deserve friends who will prioritize you over hovering over a toilet with a rolled up $5 bill shoved up their nostril.
5. The friend who sleeps with the guy she knows you like without talking to you about it first. Look, not everyone likes people who like them! You are reasonable and know this. But your friend is shitty if she just hooks up with the guy you’re into without at least talking to you about it first. You can get over him, but you’re not supposed to get over your friends — and she’s supposed to have your back for life.
6. The friend who doesn’t support you when something major changes in your life. Say you get a new job or get engaged or take a really awesome honeymoon-like vacation to Thailand with your boyfriend. When you tell your friends, you want them to be excited for you, not try to one-up you, change the conversation topic, or say something backhanded and nasty. When you share in your friend’s excitement, it’s not too much to expect her to do the same — that’s normal.
7. The friend who expects you to do everything for her but doesn’t do you any favors in return. You cat-sit every time she goes out of town, but she’s never once walked your dog. You buy drinks for her from time to time when you’re out, but she never lays her Visa down for you. You’re always available to chat when she needs advice on which dress to buy or what to say to a guy she’s dating, but she’s seldom available to take your call when your boss ruins your life for the 20th time in a week. She’s self-absorbed and you’re obviously not and you don’t need to be in a one-sided relationship.
8. The friend who has nothing nice to say about your other friends. We don’t all love each other’s friends. And that’s fine! We don’t have to. But it’s a dick move for someone to badmouth your friends to your face when — oh, right — they’re your friends, and you want to make up your own mind about them. Because usually these people don’t have issues with your friends for a good reason, they’re just looking to make trouble because they thrive on drama.
9. The friend who is never happy for you because she’s jealous. You know who she is because she’s constantly making backhanded comments about everything you do and trying way too hard to one-up you. If she’s busier comparing herself to you than being your friend, she’s not worth your time.
10. The friend who is negative about everything all the time. She hates every person you guys meet, every party you go to, every store you shop in, every restaurant you have brunch at, every concert you even talk about going to. Hanging out with other negative people just makes you feel bad. And you deserve to feel like an amazing, happy clam all the time so fuck that shit!
11. The friend who wants nothing to do with you as soon as she has a new boyfriend. What’s the saying? Sisters before misters? Whatever it is, she’s evidently having so much new sex that her brain has rotted, causing her to forget that you were there for her when the last guy ruined her life, and you would have been there for her if and when this relationship falls to pieces. You deserve friends who value all the work you’ve put into your relationship, rather than those who are willing to forget it just so they can binge watch more Game of Thrones with some hot new piece.
12. The friend who gives you backhanded compliments. You know, the girl who says things to your face like, “I love how you’re not obsessed with clothes. That must make your life so much easier!” Aka, you dress not only like shit but much shitter than me! The worst thing about these kinds of comments is that people who make them have plotted them — really thought about how they could make you feel bad while making themselves look good. Those people suck. And you don’t.